Month: February 2017

“Always look on the bright side of life…”– Monty Python, The Life of Brian

And so it begins: the Trump cabinet doesn’t even have all of its shelves, doors, and hardware in place (much less has it been installed) and already the new national security advisor, Michael Flynn, has resigned. Seems our boy was in frequent telephone contact with the Russian ambassador before the great one was sworn in, and then gave “incomplete information” about those calls to the VP, who, ostensibly relying on information from Flynn, then stated (incorrectly, it turns out) that the subject of sanctions had not been discussed. This at a time when the Obama administration was sanctioning Russia for sticking its greasy tongs where they didn’t belong, into our electoral process. Flynn has since acknowledged that the discussions might have included the subject of sanctions. And the Eiffel Tower might be in Paris.

It happens that our intelligence people, much-maligned by the Sage of Trump Tower, were monitoring the calls of foreign officials, just doing their jobs. And lo and behold, what falls into their laps but a security lapse of fairly significant proportions. The fact that Trump had not yet taken the oath of office did not stop him and his little helpers from undermining Obama’s efforts to impose consequences for the Russian meddling. A rookie mistake, you may say. But Flynn is no babe in the woods when it comes to intelligence (of the spying sort, at least). During his military career, he chaired the Military Intelligence Board (MilIntelBo), served as Assistant Director of National Intelligence (AdNit), commanded the Joint Functional Component Command for Intelligence (JoFuncCoCoPuffs), and he was senior intelligence officer for the Joint Special Operations Command (JoSpecOpCo). And up until today, he was our national security advisor. But somehow it never it occurred to him that the FBI or CIA might be bugging the Russian ambassador’s phone. True, they missed the call on Saddam’s WMDs. But this was like fishing barrels out of a chute, or something…

There is a lesson here for all of us: never say anything on the phone you don’t want your government to hear. Even if you’re in the government. Yikes: the government isn’t even safe from itself. But I digress.

It was obvious on Monday that the ax was falling when Kellyanne Conway disclosed the kiss of death, the dreaded vote of confidence from DT (just another alternative fact). Of course, mealymouthed minions are now falling all over themselves insisting that neither the Prez nor the VPrez knew anything about anything. The Hog guesses it’s just coincidence that the mutual admiration society of Trumpy and Pooty was blossoming at the same time into a full-blown bromance. Yep, just a rogue general, acting on his own, without any orders from higher-ups. As lieutenant generals are prone to do. No scapegoat here. Mm-hmm.

The irony fairly drips from this situation. (The Hog told you we were just getting started, Age-of-Irony-wise). The Republicans built their entire campaign around allegations that Hillary’s carelessness with her emails might have compromised national security. But here are these yokels, not yet in office, chatting with the Russkis on an obviously unsecured phone about the weather in Minsk, the upcoming Olympics, a little of this and a little of that, and, oh, by the way, how ’bout dem sanctions? What were they were discussing? What the hell were they thinking? A cynic might think they were reassuring the president-elect’s boyfriend not to worry, the incoming administration will take care of those pesky sanctions. Perhaps a quid pro quo, a little payback for Putin’s electoral push? Heaven forfend! That would be so out of character for the Trumperino. It would be unethical, immoral, maybe illegal, possibly even treasonous. Never happen.

And that Flynn was done in on account of lying, in the administration of the Birther-in-Chief, is just too rich.

This is just the first domino to fall. Rumor is that Reince Priebus will be next (watch for that vote of confidence). A buddy of the Trumpster has stated that the new chief of staff is in over his head. Well, at least he’s in good company. Trump’s critics pointed out frequently during the election that he had no experience at governance, something one might need in dealing with the most powerful and complex bureaucracy in history. With historic hubris, he arrived in Washington proclaiming that he would drain the swamp, when in fact he has no clue where the alligators and quicksand are, much less how to tell the difference between them. One of the keys to survival in D.C. is skill in bureaucratic infighting, and the newbie administration is now surrounded by thousands who have mastered that art. They were there before this gang, and they’ll be there after it’s gone. It is likely they will eat Trump alive, swallowing the last bite before he even knows he’s on the menu. Few will mourn. Many, however, will suffer. An inevitable consequence of bad decision-making.

But maybe all this is just an aberration. What’s a national security advisor here, a chief of staff there? A mere bagatelle, the Hog fears, compared to what’s coming.

Are we great again yet?

The world of professional sports is all atwitter with the news that the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots have instantly and hugely improved their chances for repeating as champions by signing a free agent out of AU (Autodidacts University), Frederick Douglass. Douglass, who first hit the radar when discovered by amateur talent scout and president Don Trump, is expected to make, in Trump’s words, a “big impact.”

Said Coach William T. “Sherman” Belichick, fresh from the win over Atlanta, and burning with pride: “While AU isn’t known for its impact players, DT pointed out that Douglass has done an amazing job. And when we heard that he’s getting recognized more and more, well, we figured we better acquire him. Patriot Nation is proud to welcome a football player who helped make the American nation what it is today. And kudos to our scouting department, this guy is a real live wire!”

Super Bowl MVP Mathew “Uncle Tom” Brady said the signing was yet another feather in Trump’s brain, er, cap. He opined that only a diligent researcher, with a keen grasp of the metrics involved, could have unearthed such a prospect. The QB joked: “Just hope the new guy doesn’t steal my jersey!”

Patriot spokesperson Allie “Facts” Conway noted that the team wasn’t sure yet what position the new acquisition would play. She said the Pats should have no trouble finding a place in the starting lineup for someone who was, in her own words, as “mobile, hostile, and agile” as the new phenom. Stated Conway: “I have only three words of advice for Fred: ‘agitate, agitate, agitate.’”

Coach Harry “The Engineer” Tubman of the Fighting Emancipators was animated over Douglass’s never-say-die enthusiasm: “There were games when we were so far down, I thought we could never climb out of the hole. But Fred put the team on his shoulders, and revived us.” Quipped Conway: “He’s the original Comeback Kid!”

Since AU has not updated its football Nos. since 1895, little is known about Douglass’s stats. However, his articulate halftime speeches, and his oratory in the huddle, are the stuff of school legend. Once, when the ’Pators were locked in a life-or-death battle with the Mahwah State Nonentities, he exhorted his squad: “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” The lads struggled, but progressed to victory. And when the team became demoralized under the coaching regime of infamous martinet Jeff. D. “Stonewall” Calhoun, he tweeted: “The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.” The players rebelled, and Calhoun was soon looking for work.

Although Douglass was unavailable for comment at press time, team Hog is working diligently to dig him up. Meanwhile, Trump was characteristically modest about his role: “Amazing, great, huge stroke of genius for me, and good for the team too.” Ad-libbed Conway, “you can’t keep a good man down.”

The world breathlessly anticipates the next chapter in the saga of the irrepressible, the indestructible, the immortal, Frederick Douglass.

BLOG #4

Like clockwork (assuming your clock is broken), the hog blog returns. This time, we take a swinely look at one of many controversies swirling around our educational system: the growing drumbeat for arming schoolteachers. But the Hog leaves aside the usual blather about safety, making killers out of teachers, and the possibility that if little Snavely is clever enough to place an unnoticed tack on a teacher’s chair, he might conceivably get his grubby little hands on Mr. Fiordinoorts’s Smith & Wesson. No, with all the electrons and newsprint being wasted on these facets of the issue, the Hog focuses on the one thing none of the political yahoos mentions: the cost.

Let’s be clear: the Hog is neither pro nor anti-firearm. A gun is a tool, and a darn useful one in the right hands. But the right hands are guided by a brain that understands the responsibilities, training, practice, and expense involved in firearms ownership. To hear your local legislators talk, you would think that all we need is to do a little screening and a little training of teachers, and they’ll be ready to go all Rambo on the next Charles Whitman, Adam Lanza, Harris and Klebold, Seung-Hui Cho, etc. And, like most politicians, they seem not to have considered the cost of this little endeavor, let alone who will bear it. So let’s look at some numbers: 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11… OK, some relevant numbers.

First, each teacher involved will need to acquire, or be furnished with, an appropriate sidearm for defense. The U.S. Army has chosen for its new standard issue pistol the Sig Sauer 320 in the 9mm configuration, replacing the Beretta M9. And in a live fire situation, most authorities would agree that a semiautomatic pistol is preferable to, say, a revolver. While there are many choices, a reasonable possibility for “educational” purposes would be the Glock 17, a light, reliable 9mm weapon that has the added advantage of simplicity. It retails for between $499 and $726. Although bulk discounts would likely be available, á la U.S. Army, for entire states equipping all their school districts. Problem here being, not every handgun is right for every hand. The choice of a sidearm is highly personal, and you must be comfortable with a gun to be effective with it.

But one doesn’t just lay down five C-Notes for a naked, ahem, gun. Proper use requires accessories (“gear”, in the male argot) such as holster, hearing and eye protection, extra magazines (or “mags”), a good case, a lock, a safe (an absolute necessity), and supplies. All told, the initial expense would be around $1000, possibly much more, depending upon the safe.

Next, we have training. The typical expense for an hour of handgun training in the private sector is roughly $75. Your mileage may vary. However, we are talking about a situational training course for someone who is likely a novice. For any such course to be worth its salt would require a seasoned instructor and a goodly number of hours. Not to mention significant immersion in simulated live-fire situations (oops, mentioned it). Proper reactions require force-on-force training (Google it). Even considering bulk discounts, $500 per teacher seems reasonable.

So now we have the gun, the gear, and we are all trained-up. Anyone who has tried to hit the broad side of a barn door with a bigger pistol than a .22 knows that it requires practice. To hit the bull’s-eye consistently at any distance, lots of practice. One soldier of the Hog’s acquaintance says it requires 16,000 rounds of practice to become consistently accurate. These rounds aren’t cheap. The least expensive online bulk 9mm ammo is over $0.30. Per. Round. That’s over $4,800 worth of practice ammo. You can save money by reloading, but that requires an additional initial investment in the equipment, ongoing cost of supplies, and even more time invested in the enterprise.

BTW, if you’ve ever actually fired one of these beauties, you know that they kick. Hard. So, between the kick and the expense, most practice sessions are limited to between 100 and 200 rounds. Let’s say 150 rounds per practice session, that’s a cool $45 up in smoke.

Ah, but you need a place to practice. Most spouses, not to mention neighbors and local authorities, frown upon the installation of an improvised firing range in the basement. (“But Honey, think of the money we’ll save…”). While it is still possible during the warm months to drive far enough out in the country to find a mound of dirt suitable for a backstop (“Look, Forksnort, there’s one!” “Dude, that’s a cow.”), the time involved makes it impractical, and there are still the winter months to consider. So what’s left is membership in a local shooting range, at an initial cost of roughly $250-$350, with an attendant monthly nut of $30-$35. (Or you could choose $25 per session).

And now that you have the gun, ammo, gear, training, and place to practice, now all you need is a spare couple of hours per week to develop and keep up your proficiency. The Hog doesn’t know about you, but two hours per week is but a drop in his proverbial trough. Perhaps not so much for teachers who actually have lessons to prepare, homework to grade, and other educational activities peripheral to their newfound soldierly duties.

Speaking of time, a handgun is a machine, and requires periodic maintenance and repair. This is typically performed by the owner, who must become familiar with the procedures involved in disassembly, cleaning, lubrication, and reassembly. If regular maintenance is not performed, the gun will become unreliable (and useless for defense), if not downright dangerous to its owner. Some tools and supplies are also required, at an additional expense. A reasonable estimate would be $100 to get started.

We would be remiss not to note the additional expense to the schools and the states of the inevitable litigation that will result from thousands of guns (in hands of amateurs of varying expertise and temperament) roaming the halls of academia. Whether the schools are self-insuring or have to purchase insurance, increased expense is foreseeable, if not immediately quantifiable.

A quick tally:

Gun: $500.
Accessories: $500.
Training: $500 (conservatively).
Ammo for proficiency: $4,800.
Range membership: $350.
Annual range dues @ $32.50/mo.: $390.
Maintenance tools and supplies: $100 (up to unlimited for gearheads).
Additional insurance and litigation costs: best addressed by lawyers and actuaries, preferably in a padded room.

“Grand” total: $9,900, plus $390 a year in monthly expense. $10,000 of expense, per teacher. The next question, then: who will pay for this munificence?

Well, this is where the proverbial substance hits the well-known appliance. You see none of these sultans of safety adding to their pontifications, “of course we’ll need a tax increase to fund the $10,000 per teacher expense.” Better yet, “sorry, but we’ll need to lower the thermostats to 50° to fit teacher peacekeeping implementation (bureaucratese for strappin’ up schoolmarms) into the budget.” No, in typical American fashion, the soundbites fly thick and fast, making considerable political hay, not to mention the byproducts thereof after digestion by bulls. But with no mention of expense.

The decision to own a gun entails considerable changes in lifestyle. It is not something one picks up as easily as a frozen dinner at the supermarket. So, the proposal to arm teachers carries with it all sorts of expenditure of time and money. Before anybody buys into this trumpery, so to speak, make the bastards tell you how much, and who will pay. Let’s see them soundbite their way around that.

Next time: trumpery?