Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world
You could say I lost my faith in the people on TV
You could say I’d lost my belief in our politicians
They all seemed like game show hosts to me
–Sting, “If I Ever Lose My Faith in You.”
The Stingerino got that one right. Although the Hog suspects there wasn’t that much belief to begin with. In fact, the comparison is an affront to game show hosts: I knew Wink Martindale, I worked with Wink Martindale, and sir, you are no Wink Martindale. At least when Wink said you’d won $1000 on Tic Tac Dough, you could take that to the bank (heh, heh). By contrast, skepticism of a politician is warranted only when his lips are moving. This is at least partly because pols spend so much time promising something they have neither the ability nor the intention to deliver. But political promises are not the only bushwa clogging up our lives.
No, all the media present both speculation and opinion as fact. Whitehead said: “Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.” And so the Hog is on board with the wag who stated he wished the media would confine themselves to reporting things that had undergone the formality of actually having taken place.
O, halcyon days of a half hour of Huntley and Brinkley, and another 30 minutes of local news, instead of 18 godzillion channels devoted to “news,” 24/7. But no halcyonism (halcyonosity?) for us. So, to fill up the other 23 hours, we’ve got a bunch of modern-day Cassandrae and Nostradami blathering about what might happen tomorrow, next week, next year, or even better, some time in the future. (That way, if it hasn’t happened yet, it still might, so don’t touch that dial…). Guess it’s only right that the media should have a medium doing the predicting. Or, waxing factual for a change (but only as a last resort), reporting the news that some prediction either did or didn’t come true.
Can we, in this day and age, tolerate this kind of uncertainty in our news? The Hog says nay, nay, one thousand times nay (well, oink, actually: this ain’t no blind pony blog). And so he offers for your consideration, to allow us all to live in the present moment while obsessing about the future, Blind Hog’s Alternative News (BHAN). Guaranteed to be at least as accurate as anybody else’s.
How does it work, you may ask? (Or, in the spirit of BHAN, you might not. But you got this far, so let’s assume you did). Ripped from today’s headlines: “Dish Customers Could Lose KRDO.” The Hog’s Alternative News: “They Might Not.” (Whew, we might not lose our news!). It’s just that simple. “Caucus has some Springs voters excited.” BHAN: “Others sprain jaw muscle yawning.” “2016 might bring recession,” or better yet, “Economy might be in recession now.” BHAN: “Or not.”
Oh, but surely the business section will be speculation-free. “Oil prices to double by 2020: growth in production to decline in next five years.” Really? News about what’s going to happen in five years? When they can’t seem to get it right about what’s going to happen tomorrow? You know the response. Actual quote from the article: “Nobody saw the shale-oil boom coming…” No kidding.
Msn.com: Debate may offer last, best chance to stop Trump. BHAN: Might not be best, might not be last. Might not be last best. A free threefer (threefreefer)? Yikes, we’re going off the rails here…
But for true substance, try sports. Once you’ve spent five minutes reporting the actual scores, there is nothing more left than to spend the remaining 55 minutes of the hour speculating about future results. The entire season is plagued by pundits telling us not only who is going to win this week, but also who’s going to win it all at the end of the year. Will the Porcupines have the first pick in the draft next year, and, if they do, who might they pick? A prickly pickly question. The two weeks before the Super Bowl featured sports talk hosts interviewing other sports talk hosts about what still other sports talk hosts thought about who would win the Super Bowl. Now, the Hog likes the media covering the media covering the media as well as the next pachyderm, but there’s only so much swill even a hog can take.
And don’t get the Hog started on the weather. Too late, he’s already there. 30% chance of rain tomorrow. BHAW: 70% chance of sunshine. El Niño might bring drastic changes in the weather. Or, might make no difference whatsoever.
The beauty of this system is that most news, whether factual or pre-factual, is bad news. Truly, no news is good news. But now, courtesy of the old Blind Hog, we can just direct our feet to the sunny side of the street, in the words of a song that predates Gordon Sumner. The key is to remember that this obsession with the future serves only the needs of the media, their corporate masters, and their political clients. Shots in the dark about future disaster help keep the people in fear, glued to their screens, and looking to a product or some government to save them from what hasn’t happened yet. (See Sting on politicians, above).
Try it. Pick up the paper, turn on the TV, or fire up the Internet, and look for signposts of speculation, harbingers of doom and gloom: “might,” “may,” “could,” 50% chance,” ‘Snavely Fiordinoorts says X will happen,” “Blind Hog asserts’ it won’t,” etc. Flip them on their heads, smile, and think of your preferred pig.
No need for thanks; it is sufficient that the Hog might have been of service.