The world of professional sports is all atwitter with the news that the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots have instantly and hugely improved their chances for repeating as champions by signing a free agent out of AU (Autodidacts University), Frederick Douglass. Douglass, who first hit the radar when discovered by amateur talent scout and president Don Trump, is expected to make, in Trump’s words, a “big impact.”
Said Coach William T. “Sherman” Belichick, fresh from the win over Atlanta, and burning with pride: “While AU isn’t known for its impact players, DT pointed out that Douglass has done an amazing job. And when we heard that he’s getting recognized more and more, well, we figured we better acquire him. Patriot Nation is proud to welcome a football player who helped make the American nation what it is today. And kudos to our scouting department, this guy is a real live wire!”
Super Bowl MVP Mathew “Uncle Tom” Brady said the signing was yet another feather in Trump’s brain, er, cap. He opined that only a diligent researcher, with a keen grasp of the metrics involved, could have unearthed such a prospect. The QB joked: “Just hope the new guy doesn’t steal my jersey!”
Patriot spokesperson Allie “Facts” Conway noted that the team wasn’t sure yet what position the new acquisition would play. She said the Pats should have no trouble finding a place in the starting lineup for someone who was, in her own words, as “mobile, hostile, and agile” as the new phenom. Stated Conway: “I have only three words of advice for Fred: ‘agitate, agitate, agitate.’”
Coach Harry “The Engineer” Tubman of the Fighting Emancipators was animated over Douglass’s never-say-die enthusiasm: “There were games when we were so far down, I thought we could never climb out of the hole. But Fred put the team on his shoulders, and revived us.” Quipped Conway: “He’s the original Comeback Kid!”
Since AU has not updated its football Nos. since 1895, little is known about Douglass’s stats. However, his articulate halftime speeches, and his oratory in the huddle, are the stuff of school legend. Once, when the ’Pators were locked in a life-or-death battle with the Mahwah State Nonentities, he exhorted his squad: “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” The lads struggled, but progressed to victory. And when the team became demoralized under the coaching regime of infamous martinet Jeff. D. “Stonewall” Calhoun, he tweeted: “The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.” The players rebelled, and Calhoun was soon looking for work.
Although Douglass was unavailable for comment at press time, team Hog is working diligently to dig him up. Meanwhile, Trump was characteristically modest about his role: “Amazing, great, huge stroke of genius for me, and good for the team too.” Ad-libbed Conway, “you can’t keep a good man down.”
The world breathlessly anticipates the next chapter in the saga of the irrepressible, the indestructible, the immortal, Frederick Douglass.